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I can be the northland's worst columnist Paul Ryan I don't ask a lot from the Reader Weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN, which publishes my columns. If I did ask them for anything, they'd probably fire me - and rightfully so. Just look at the horrendous garbage I write.
I could just work harder and compete for the "best columnist" award, but I'm lazy and apathetic. Also, I dislike challenging activities. Plus, I will more than likely forget about this whole thing two minutes after e-mailing this column to the newspaper. Really, it will just be easier for all of us - or possibly just me - if we lower the standards of the awards instead of continuing to require actual dedication. I mean really, are awards fair? Good columnists always get awards, and useless columnists like myself never get any of the glory (or the free pie. I hear this year's winner, Barb Olsen, is able to enter any house in the northland and demand pie. If the person refuses, or the resulting pie is unsatisfactory, she is allowed to stab them with a switchblade). I had no chance to win the best columnist award, because I write about things that Weird Al Yankovic would sing about. While Barb Olsen is writing about the scandals and wrongdoings of local politicians, I'm rating them based on attractiveness. While Harry Welty is writing about our schools, I'm writing about Colt 45 Double Malt (when we all know the local schoolchildren drink Bud Light). While Uncle Barbie is writing about using a strap-on with police officers, I'm writing about . . . um, okay, I can't really top that. The fact is, there's no reason just to celebrate the best of the northland. We also need to celebrate those of us who are mediocre. We could rate the entire northland community in a negative fashion. Instead of printing photos of employees standing in front of their "best of the northland" business, we could have photos of employees frowning and giving the finger in front of their horribly inadequate businesses. Okay, so we'd probably end up losing advertisers with that plan. Luckily, we can still have a "worst columnist" category, because there's no harm in pissing off columnists. We're a pathetic bunch, and most of us aren't really motivated enough to attack anyone physically. Also, we tend to take insults as compliments. We are more likely to be celebrating after a "worst columnist" win than sulking. Another benefit to having a "worst columnist" category is the abundance of choices in the northland. We have Duluth News-Tribune columnist Sam Cook (Cheaper and less habit-forming than NyQuil) , Ripsaw columnists Jim and Allen Richardson (Warning: being a pothead makes you bore the crap out of everyone), and I'm sure the free weekly Budgeteer newspaper could produce some horrendous columns. I mean, what other newspaper is bad enough to cause people to put signs in their porch windows that say, "NO BUDGETEER PLEASE"? Now that I think about it, this "worst columnist" category could create quite a bit of competition. The "worst columnist" award might actually become more coveted than the legitimate award. I would benefit tremendously from that. Not as much as the Duluth News-Tribune, but enough.
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But to hell with that. I'm going to request something, and I'd damn well better get it, because it's a great idea. I'd like a new category added to the "Best of the Northland" awards the newspaper holds every year. The category we need to add is "worst columnist". We already have the "best columnist" category, but I have no chance in hell of winning that, so a new category must be made to accommodate me.
Great indie rock music isn't like pop music. You won't hear the catchy hook or guitar riff in the first 10 seconds of the song. Run Run Run's songs are a perfect example of this. This song is fairly quiet for two minutes before letting loose the guitar chorus that sticks in your head for the rest of the day.
