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Open letters Paul Ryan
Dear cashier at the Kwik Trip gas station,
To make amends for the torture you have inflicted upon me, please send me two jars of salsa, a bag of fun size M&M packages, and one of those little bottles of Bacardi Limon.
Dear President Bush, I'm going to have sex with your daughters the next time they get drunk. Have a nice day.
To make amends for your wrongdoings and keep me from preying on your daughters during their moments of non-sobriety, please send me $840.12 in Canadian coins, 12 boxes of thin mint girl scout cookies, stationary that says "The White House" on it, and Condoleezza Rice's hairpiece.
Dear ESPN, I recently discovered (through alternative news sources) that a female runner in a well-known marathon removed her shirt after the race, exposing her breasts. You did not cover this event. Since 95% of your audience is male, I have to ask, why the hell not? Sportscenter already bores the living crap out of me, and your choice to ignore free public domain footage of boobs only makes it worse. You're on cable, for crying out loud!
To make amends, please fix Sportscenter anchor Stuart Scott's lazy eye, and send me a check for $0.42.
Dear Minnesota Vikings football team, Please forfeit every game for the rest of the season. It's not just yourselves you're hurting with your disappointing performances.
To make amends without forfeiting, please send me a case of Mickey's malt liquor every Sunday for the rest of the season. That way I'll be too drunk to know how badly you're going to screw it up in the fourth quarter.
Dear Kmart, I understand you just purchased Sears. Unfortunately, one "suck" and one "mediocre" doesn't make an "awesome".
To make amends and get decent people to actually shop at your stores, please ban all the people who currently shop there.
Dear Fort Gay, WV, You might want to consider changing the name of your fort. It sounds kind of, well, gay.
To make amends without changing the name, please send me a check for $12.53.
Dear FCC, Since you're so big on morality, please ask yourself what Jesus would do. I sincerely doubt Jesus would try to censor cable TV, satellite radio, and the internet.
To make amends for your misdeeds, please disband your organization immediately.
Dear Vanilla Ice, What on earth are you doing with a kangaroo? Also, why do you now refuse to claim the kangaroo after letting it escape? If I remember correctly, your mantra used to be, "If there was a problem, yo I'll solve it."
To make amends, purchase a firearm, load it with bullets, remove the safety, raise the weapon to your temple, and pull the trigger. Make sure to leave a sappy goodbye note for the janitor to laugh at while he's cleaning your face off the wall.
Dear Paul Ryan, If you're going to write columns after four hours of drinking, please . . . well, please don't, okay? The same thing happens every time. You pass out in the bathroom with your pants down, wake up at 5 am, and post the column without reading it. Later at work, you read the column and realize that you proclaimed yourself "Hermaphrodite of the Year", or something equally ridiculous.
To make amends, end this column riiiight . . . NOW.
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