Real conversations from Paul's Thanksgiving

The following are real conversations my family had over the course of Thanksgiving Day. You'll notice there's a recurring theme of bowel-related discussion. Every conversation includes the word "poop", "crap", or some other disgusting variation. This may explain how I got my, uh . . . unique sense of humor.

Mom: Sorry, but dad had to use your bathroom downstairs.

Brother: He did?

Mom: Yeah, Paul was in the shower, so dad used your bathroom.

Brother: Did he poop?

Mom: Yes, and it smells.

Brother: Damn!

Mom: There's (sugar-free) ice cream in the freezer. You'll probably be too full after dinner, so you can have some now.

Me: Okay, cool.

Mom: Just don't eat too much of it.

Me: I know.

Mom: Because you know what happens when you eat too much of the sugar-free stuff. It makes you poop.

(Note: I've never had that problem, but one of the ingredients in sugar-free ice cream has been known to cause diarrhea)

Mom: Paul, they were in there for a week!

Brother: I ate them.

Me: You ate my pizza fries!?!

Brother: You weren't gonna eat them.

Me: I would be eating them right now!

Mom: Paul, that's disgusting. You can't keep that type of stuff in the fridge for a week.

Me: They'd still be good! I've kept leftover pizza in the fridge for two weeks.

Brother: If you ate them, you'd be getting the trots.

Brother: Hey, don't leave the door open downstairs. That's my closet.

Mom: It's not a closet, it's a room.

Brother: That's where I keep all my clothes.

Me: You have to leave the door open. That's where I go to wipe when we run out of toilet paper. I need the door open in case my hands are . . . dirty.

Mom: Don't put anything in that side of the sink. I just cleaned it for the turkey.

Me: But this side is still dirty, right? So I can spit in this side of the sink?

Mom: Uh, spit in the toilet, not the sink.

Me: Why don't you go spit in the toilet.

Me: What's the big deal about these Ikea stores? They're supposed to be so great, but I'm looking through their ad and there's nothing really all that good.

Mom: They're supposed to have cheap prices.

Me: Look at this chair. It's $300, and it looks like those uncomfortable 1970s chairs at the library. They only have it in this poop brown color, and it's just boring. Ugh.

Dad: Apparently, they also require a fair amount of assembly.

Me: Screw that crap.

Once again, those were all real conversations. Their authenticity is proven by the fact that they're so boring. If I were going to make up conversations, I'd think up something much more exciting, like this:

Dad: Sweet Jesus on the pommel horse! Did you just blow snot on the turkey?

Mom: Oh, like I'm the bad one. Do you remember why we started buying cranberry sauce in the can instead of making it? It's because last year I caught you putting your dink in it!

Dad: Don't call it a dink! It makes it sound small!

Mom: And what about back in 1979, when I caught you placing our newborn son in the carcass of the hollow turkey? That is not a proper image for the family Christmas card.

Dad: Oh, but blowing a huge-ass booger on my turkey is just fine?

Mom: You never support my culinary ideas! (starts crying)

Dad: That's it! Where's the can opener? I'm poking a hole in the cranberry sauce!

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Reader Comments

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madjack      Nov 27, 2004 • 5:29pm   Wasn't the apartment of that guy in Fight Club all IKEA stuff. Look what happened to him , he went crazy and blew up his apartment. Bec      Nov 26, 2004 • 8:00pm   I was all excited to go to that Ikea store b/c it's supposed to be cheap, but yeah, it sucks.

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