Aaron J. Brown is getting a baby

Someone has knocked up fellow columnist Aaron J. Brown's wife, and in a turn of events unusual for modern times, it was Aaron. Yes sir, the Brownses . . . Brown's . . . Brownseseses . . . whatever. So the Browns - thoughtless as they are - are going to bring a baby into this harsh, cruel world, and that baby needs a name. I intend to not only be the first, but also the most frequent name-giver.

Here we go. Here's the first name. Are you ready? Peebles. No, no! Don't say a word. Just let it sink in first. Peebles. Peebles von Brown. Just like the Count of Monte Cristo, except it's the Count of Brown Manor! Of course, Brown Manor is actually a small, rundown house in the sticks of northern Minnesota, but beggars can't be choosers.

And since Aaron is a writer and speech teacher, the liberal arts education his child will likely gravitate to will surely make him or her a beggar.

Okay, here's another one. Ponch. Ponch Brown. Will the child be an easy-on-the-eyes Mexican highway cop? An ironic raincoat salesperson? No one knows, but either way, the kid will have the coolest signature in the entire world.

Name number three: Jet Brown. Jet Black Brown. Think how shocked and amazed people will be. They'll think Aaron and his wife adopted an African-American child. Then, like most naive but well-meaning rural Minnesotans, the relatives will send ethnic gifts at Christmas. Except ethnic gifts are rather hard to come by in the sticks, so they'll just send stereotypical ethnic gifts, like grits and throwing dice.

Perhaps The Brown family isn't into these fancy, new age, sneer-wearing, latte drinking names. Perhaps they would like a name with a touch of . . . class. Please allow me to introduce what I think is my best name suggestion yet. Classy Brown. The neighborhood kids could call him or her "Downtown" as a nickname. This would bring the illusion of toughness, but just when the old folks start wrinkling their brows and "consarning" the child, the full name can be brought out. Downtown Classy Brown. Respect, reader. This name brings respect back to the Brown family.

Maybe Aaron and his wife are looking for a name that won't fluster their friends and family. Something plain, normal. I've got a solution for that, too. Rowan. If it's a girl, Rowena. Many parents name their kids after Hollywood movie stars, but few have named their child after the greatest movie star of our time: Rowan Atkinson.

Take your Tom Cruises and Humphrey Bogarts back to acting school, reader. The list of quintessentially powerful works of art Rowan Atkinson has graced with his presence are unending. Black Adder, Mr. Bean, Johnny English, Hot Shots: Part Deux. Rowan Atkinson's resume dwarfs us all, reader. It makes that burning hope you and I feel, the hope of being the greatest person who ever lived, a little colder in our hearts. The summation of his prestigious deeds dwarf us all.

Dwarfs us all.

But getting back to the name thing, there's nothing shameful about Aaron and his wife naming the kid "Paul Ryan Brown" if it's a boy. Well okay, maybe there's a little shame. More than a little? Lots. Yeah, that kid would be ruined for life. Never mind.

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Reader Comments

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lisawnky@aol.com                      aaronjbrown@yahoo.com                      Dennis Kempton      Dec 11, 2004 • 1:09am   It's heartwarming to see that Aaron Brown has given up the inappropriate love of reindeer to have a child. mom      Dec 10, 2004 • 11:58pm   Paul, are you out of your mind!!Mr Bean is disgusting!Congratulations to Aaron-and his wife(who will actually have the baby)! tom      Dec 10, 2004 • 11:16pm   who is paul to say i need acting lessons! who is paul to say this baby is not mine? WhiteyMcWhiterson      Dec 10, 2004 • 10:53pm   I think Aaron should name his child C-Money. The way society is going it wil be a common name in the future.

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