Please help, love Czech

Reader, hello. I apologize for not so good at English. I promise I am not communist.

I am from Czech-Republic. We are friend to America. We give you pilsner and absinthe. No Corona pee drink. No legal British absinthe with no thujone. We good pal. We friend to America, get you all stoned up.

I write you, American humor man lady reader, for help. Please send Army. Alfons Krawiec, lousy Pollock, he refuse sew my hat. There is hole in hat. He my tailor, he must sew hat, but he refuse. I needed fancy hat for trip with fat wife to Dairy Queen, so impressive hat would keep people from looking at fat donkey wife, but Alfons did not finish the hat. He try to claim he sick all weekend, but I know it is not true. I check his website and see photos of him having fun all weekend.

I see photo of him at Polish McDonald's.

I see photo of him at Slovanian strip club.

I see photo of him at Moroccan Star Trek convention.

I even see photo of him at Slovakian Denny's restaurant with breakfast skillet! Bastard!

America, bring Army now! I will call Slovakian Denny's and tattle on him for stealing skillet. He is big Pollock a-hole and deserves to die. I will pay one case of Pilsner Urqell to first of you to poke him in testicle with fork. My shame must be avenged!

You did not see them, man lady reader, the people at Dairy Queen. They laugh and make moo sounds. They say I "gone hogging". Even the French laugh at wife, and they do not shower. Alfons has ruined me.

How was I to know wife would become woolly mammoth after wedding? No man know that. She grow hair on back, even worse than me. Her face have stubble, like Indiana Jones. I give two cases of Pilsner Urquell to person who take wife away. I even pay for forklift.

A note to our readers: We here at Daily Ramblings strive to bring the best for our readers. Recently, one reader said there is a lack of substance in our columns. This couldn't be further from the truth. It's not as if we've stooped to making jokes about foreigners and women who overeat!

Oh. Right.

Uh, this column is actually very serious, though it may not appear as so to the novice reader. This column provides delightful insight into the world of the Czech Republic. For instance, before reading this column, did you know of the country's wonderful beer, Pilsner Urquell? Did you know of the country's generous imports of absinthe - an illegal and allegedly hallucinogenic liquor - to our country? What culture you've consumed today, reader! Go have a cookie!

Also, did you know English is an extremely difficult language to learn? That's why many foreigners talk funny. Except for Canadians from Quebec. They talk funny because they're stupid.

So travel on and learn more, reader! Explore! What a wonderful educational tool Daily Ramblings can be! Oh joy!

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Reader Comments

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lisa      Dec 15, 2004 • 12:08am   given that comments seem flaggin', i'll play the part. but 'crabby'...not here dear; sorry to disappoint. Paul Ryan      Dec 14, 2004 • 10:36pm   I think I'm just going to write columns with the sole purpose of making Lisa crabby. Not that it's much of a challenge. lisa      Dec 14, 2004 • 10:31pm   by the way, if you were communicst, you mite tip batter? jest a thaught. lisa      Dec 14, 2004 • 10:19pm   oh now what can i pick on? factual inaccuracy seems not to apply; proamerican sentiment --nah, too easy; 'take my wife please' --too stale. how about this? i date a canadian hockey player, and he's puckin' pissed. Jojo      Dec 14, 2004 • 12:57am   "Gone Hoggin"

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