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Merry Christmas to you, DHL Paul Ryan
Fuck you. I know that's not a proper way to start a letter, but let's face facts: you've shipped packages to me twice and both times you've delivered them late. Incredibly late. Almost a freaking week late the first time. So fuck you. I was supposed to receive a package Monday, and I did not. I also did not receive it Tuesday. If the contents of said package weren't fragile, I'd shove it up your delivery person's ass upon arrival. Christmas is Saturday, so judging by your earlier screw-up, I can only assume you'll wait until after Christmas to deliver the item I ordered for "4 day shipping" back on Dec. 14. Perhaps you should change your company's slogan to "Who knew you could get blue balls from a shipping company?" But enough with the cute jokes. Let's get back to me telling you to go fuck yourself. First off, fuck your "we don't work on Saturdays" policy, DHL. What freaking decade is this? You're a shipping company, not a Jewish library. Saturday is a work day. Get off your ass and deliver packages, jerk store. If I order something on a Tuesday, don't say it will be delivered Monday and call it "four day shipping". That's six day shipping, you turd kleenex. Also, fuck your online shipment tracking, which is more worthless than Helen Keller driving a taxi cab. "Hello driver, I'd like to go to Times Square. Oh, I see. You can't hear what I'm saying or see where you're driving. How unfortunate for me." This is how it feels to use your tracking service. It leaves your customers deaf, blind, and hopeless, just like the people who run your company. The shipment tracker notes when the package ships, but is never updated along the way. According to your shipment tracker, right now my package is somewhere between Oakland, CA and La Crosse, WI. Thanks, asswipe. That helps me tremendously. What is the purpose of a shipping tracker if it doesn't, y'know, track the shipment. You've lowered my hopes so much that all I request now is for my package to arrive without feces on it. Can you at least handle that, DHL? While I'm on a roll, fuck your online shipping notification. I signed up for this so I could at least be sent an e-mail when the package is delivered. Why was I not surprised when I got a "your request could not be processed" error message after clicking to sign up? Fuck you right in your earhole, DHL. Stick it in and twist. Finally, fuck your prices. My package is the size of a George Forman grilling machine, and not much heavier, yet you charged me $25. If I had requested two-day shipment instead of four, you would have charged me twice as much. I hate you with a passion usually only reserved for people who take a dump in my mouth while I'm sleeping. I haven't been this frustrated since I was 7 years old, and my brother farted under my bedsheets and held my head under them. I'm waiting by the phone, DHL. I'm waiting for you to ring my apartment and tell me my package is here. I'll even give you a special deal. If you bring my package by the end of Wednesday, I'll promise not to "accidentally" spill a cup of pee on your delivery person. The offer's on the table, DHL. Take it or smell like pee.
Sincerely,
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Dear DHL shipping company,
