Letters column 37: pedophilia is not cool

There are few things more frightening than a 14-year-old asking you out, especially if you are 25 years old. I hear police sirens, reader. Every time a girl younger than 18 sends me an e-mail asking for a date, I hear sirens.

What did I do to deserve such a feeling, reader? I'm a nice man. I work a full-time job, pay my taxes, and obey the laws. Even the stupid laws, like "no drinking on the bus" and "no peeing in the sewer when you are drunk". Yet premature vomit curdles in my stomach when I get an e-mail like this, from Georgina in London:

Hi, ya. My name is Georgina, i haven't gone out with any 1 in my life(boyfriend) yet. So, do u reckon u will go out with me??? i'm 14 years old, brown eyes. brown hair/blonde highlights. slim. How bout it?????!!!!!!!! e-mail, hope 2 tlk 2 u sn. Luve Georgina xxxx

Ew. Just . . . well, ew. I have reservations about dating college girls because I don't like dealing with mindless sorority drunks. Why would I ever date a girl who has yet to learn about fractions? Fractions are awesome, and I just can't go out with ladies who are unable to complete awesome fraction-related workbook problems.

Here is another lady, Jennifer from Fowlerville, MI, who may or may not be suave with the fractions. The subject of her e-mail was "ur so fuckin hot".

call me 1(517)672-****

Sorry Jennifer, but I will have to decline. However, I do appreciate the fact that you put the "1" before your phone number. Many people (mainly sorority drunks) have trouble dialing the phone, with the undialed "1" being the culprit. You have educated us all today, Jennifer. You are indeed a special lady. But I will still not go out with you, because I have not seen proof that you are not a transvestite.

But hey, enough about people who like me. Let's move on to people who hate me. Santa Claus sent me an e-mail recently, or so some prankster would have me believe. He was apparently upset about my Santa isn't real column from a few years back. However, I don't think this e-mail was from the real Santa. Call me crazy, but I just don't think he'd refer to God and urine in the same sentence.

You are mean! Ho Ho Ho! No more presents for you! Your ugly and dum and you dont believe in anything but your tatoos on your butt! I hate you! You hate me! I beleive in santa and god and you drink your pee.

How can one person effectively misspell that many words in a row? I mean, really, the laws of probability should at least allow you to get a few words correct by accident. But I'm willing to forgive the spelling because the writer purposely used the words "me" and "pee" so the last two lines would rhyme. And for that, dear letter writer, I salute you!

That's a lesson for everyone, reader. It doesn't matter how bad your e-mail is, just as long as it has rhymes that include bodily functions. In fact, I encourage readers to e-mail their poetic bodily function rhymes to me for publication in a later column. Be a part of the pee rhymin' action, reader! Be a part of history!

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Reader Comments

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Doug      Jan 13, 2006 • 7:13pm   your website sucks dude. get a life. Santa Claus      Feb 17, 2005 • 8:15am   Who'd actually WANT to go out with Paul???????? (some one who's extremely desperate) mindwalker      Dec 30, 2004 • 6:57am   haha Jojo's ho'lodex Scapegoat      Dec 29, 2004 • 4:02pm   Hell yeah! You could have her send some pics, see if she's worth keeping in the "4 Years" pile, and then give her a call when she's old enough! Katers      Dec 29, 2004 • 2:26pm   You could keep Jennifer on file for four years. I bet that's what Jojo would do. :) (Just kidding, Jojo!)

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