Happy Paul's guide to DVD burners

So, consumer, you're thinking of buying a DVD burner! Congratulations! Before you know it, you'll be cursing at your newfound purchase until your voice crackles with exhaustion.

Did I say that? Ha ha! I meant you'll be hugging your DVD burner until Joyce dies of the gout in Boston. Joyce is our customer service representative. Hi Joyce!

Anyway, here at Happy Paul's we've compiled a list of the essential steps for purchasing and becoming fully dissatisfied with your DVD burner. The great part is your dissatisfaction is guaranteed regardless of what brand you choose or what computer you own. Don't thank us! Thank the companies that make these festering metal turds! Let's get started!

Step 1: Compatibility
This is the easy part, consumer! First, check to make sure your desired DVD burner is compatible with your computer. Then make sure it's compatible with your home DVD player. Then make sure it's compatible with the the overpriced blank DVDs you purchased. Then make sure the blank DVDs are compatible with your home DVD player. Then make sure those same discs are compatible with your computer. It's so easy!

But wait, consumer! There are two main kinds of blank DVDs: DVD-R and DVD+R. Do you know the difference between them? Ha ha! Don't worry! Neither does any employee at Best Buy, Circuit City, Office Max, Office Depot, or any other retail store in the United States of America. Just pick one and smile knowing the $10 you paid for 10 blank DVDs can in no way be refunded if you chose poorly.

Are you set? Is everything compatible and in the proper format? Great! Unfortunately, the hours you've spent unsuccessfully trying to research DVD burning and compatibility was all for nothing, because even if everything you bought is listed as compatible, there's still a really good chance it isn't. Why? Because the companies making the products are lazy. You see, asking customers to check four different areas of compatibility before purchasing a product would scare them off, so companies just list all modern computers as compatible, even though they aren't.

When you buy a DVD burner, think of it as similar to sticking your penis through a hole in your apartment's wall. What's on the other side? A pretty lady? A hairy man? A poisonous spider? The suspense is part of the fun!

Step 2: Bitching out the company that sold you the DVD burner
After being initially disappointed, the next logical step is contacting the company that sold you the DVD burner, so you can increase your disappointment. But hey, try to have fun when you're bitching out the poor bastards who got hired as customer service representatives. Your angry rants will not be heard by the people who run the company, nor will they be heard by the people who actually make the products or design the packaging with the compatibility information. But at least somebody's "gettin' the business", as the kids like to say!

Since your feedback is utterly meaningless, it really doesn't matter what kind of approach you take with your comments. Whether you ask intelligent questions like "Why can't my computer burn fully-compatible DVDs like the ones they sell in stores?", or shoot off a juvenile insult like, "Make it work, you fucking shyster", you will get no reparations.

To help you understand the complicated flow of feedback moving to and coming from large companies, I've created a chart:

If you work hard enough, your angry rant could effectively piss off or even deeply depress a person who gets paid even less than you. Don't you feel great? What a wonderful feeling!

Step 3: Drinking heavily
Hey there, big shooter! You just paid $100-$200 for a top-of-the-line DVD burner that is completely useless to you! Have a drink, pal! Here at Happy Paul's, we recommend Mickey's malt liquor. Malt liquor tends to have a higher alcohol content than most beer, and the grenade-style bottles are really easy to drink fast. But hard liquor is really the fastest way to remove your sorrow. If you stay intoxicated for five or ten years, you may be able to shell out the same amount for a DVD burner that actually works!

Thank you for reading. We hope this guide has shown you that buying a DVD burner that doesn't come preinstalled in your computer is dumb. Feel free to pre-order our next book, "Happy Paul's guide to buying gifts for quadriplegics."

7/5 column rating (5 votes) Rate column 5 - Great 4 - Good 3 - Average 2 - Poor 1 - Awful

Reader Comments

page:   1

dmimz      Dec 31, 2004 • 10:11pm   and what about next year? the "industry" is going to battle over the new standard for HD DVDs, with some studios chooses one standard and the rest supporting the other. When that happens, you'll have to buy a new DVD player, and the discs you burn now won't play in the new machines... but on the bright side, the prices will drop even more on the "outdated" burners and players. Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 2004 • 6:07pm   Ron, ron_parker      Dec 31, 2004 • 5:48pm   DVD-R means the disc has one layer, DVD+R means the disc is dual layer. The same follows for -RW and +RW. Brandon      Dec 31, 2004 • 5:21pm   Do you have to get a different kind of dvd burner for an apple? because if so, then ha! I got mine on sale at office max, $30 after all their rebate jazz. also you can usualy find dvd+/-R at walmart or office max usualy 30 for $20 or 50 for $30. if you ever happen to get it working that is. either way, good luck with the drinking. Katers      Dec 31, 2004 • 2:49pm   Someone is totally bitter about their burner not working. Don't worry, I'd be pissed too. That's why I'm not getting one for a long time to come. Maybe, just maybe, they'll get their heads out of their asses and make a decent one that you don't have to guess if it works.

page:   1