No more polls about elderly sexpots, please

Old people. We love them, we care for them, we change their diapers. But do we ever compliment them on how sexy they are? Of course not. They're hideous.

Why would anyone vote on the "sexiest grandpa"? I can't answer that. To find out, I'd have to attain a degree in psychology, specializing in people who like to dip old poon. Frankly, that's not an area of study I'm interested in. Ask Ashton Kutcher.

Old people are decrepit shells of what used to be good-looking people, but for some reason, easily-offended members of society scold us if we admit to that. These people force us to feel guilty if we don't look at Clint Eastwood or Jane Fonda as if they're just as beautiful as Colin Farrell or Kate Hudson. They're not. They're wiser because of their age, but true wisdom doesn't come for free. You have to give up your looks first.

If you put Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson, mother and daughter, next to each other, which one are you going to say is more beautiful? If your answer is, "Well, I don't want to choose" or "Well, I think they're both beautiful in their own way", then you're full of crap. Goldie Hawn was gorgeous in her youth, but now her face looks like a turd with a blonde wig. That doesn't make her less of a person, but it does make her ineligible for participation in any shallow Hollywood "Who's hottest?" pissing contests.

Let's leave beauty contests to the young and explanations of the meaning of life to the old. Do not ask Dolly Parton who she'd like to have sex with. Do not ask Josh Hartnett what the most important part of life is. Do not ask Jack Nicholson his favorite sexual position, and do not ask Britney Spears to complete elementary school multiplication problems.

When I'm 62 years old like Harrison Ford, I certainly hope someone doesn't point at me and say, "You're the hottest damn grandpa I've ever seen!" If they do, I will smother them to death in a puddle of dog crap. If I am 65 years old like Tina Turner, and someone even nominates me for such a title, I will run over their neck with my wheelchair, killing them instantly. If a celebrity gossip rag like The Sun syndicates such a story to their readership, I will find the editors, rip out their digestive tracts, coat them in feces, and surgically reinsert them.

If I ever, at any time during my life, agree to vote in such a contest, I will take my own life by removing the pin from, and inserting, a live grenade into my anus.

The last thing we need to do is make aging stars think they've still got the looks to bang anyone other than Frankie Muniz or that fourth member of Destiny's Child. It's just not right to lead people on like that. It's like if you told me I could bang . . . well, that girl that used to be the fourth member of Destiny's Child. Let's not get people's hopes up. If you do, they'll just end up crying in their room, holding a copy of the CD single, "Bug A Boo" and sobbing, "Why not?!? Why not?!?"

8/5 column rating (5 votes) Rate column 5 - Great 4 - Good 3 - Average 2 - Poor 1 - Awful

Reader Comments

page:   1

Fencebob64      Apr 19, 2005 • 5:25pm   One thing i have learned from life is that a moist turd with a blonde wig tends to remain more sexually active than a dried-out excuse of a turd covered in that grey fur mom      Jan 14, 2005 • 9:10pm   Hey! Harrison Ford is still hot. Okay,not as hot as Paul Newman but pretty hot!!It depends on your age.And by the way,pictures can lie so who knows really? lisa      Jan 5, 2005 • 10:04pm   yes yes but thank whatever god there be that sex appeal goes beyond britney --she is stupid ya know. i'd rather have wrinkles and wisdom, a la goldie, any day. Tony      Jan 5, 2005 • 9:27pm   Hey. Leave Brittney alone. I had trouble with long division too. ChAir Force      Jan 5, 2005 • 8:46pm   Why do chick's still think Sean Connery is still hot? He looks like what Santa crapped out after a binge of Jack Daniels and bratwurst.

page:   1