Apple Computer releases iSuckBalls product line

As most of you know, I'm a huge fan of Apple Computers. I wouldn't bash the company I love so dearly unless they truly deserved it. Well, today those jerkoffs deserve a bashing.

Apple held its annual keynote speech yesterday, where they announce new products. Many of this year's products were very cool. For instance, the iPod Shuffle (pictured) is the size of a pack of bubble gum, and works as an mp3 player and compact flash drive. iMovie and Final Cut Express now support high-definition video, which is great. Garageband instantly turns the sounds you play on your guitar or piano into written music, and helps you tune your instruments. Great stuff.

However, the major products that were announced . . . well, they suck balls. I've compiled a list of the ball sucking here:

Mac Mini
A barebones, no-frills computer (no display, keyboard, or mouse) at a cheap price.
$500 | 1.25 GHz | 256 MB memory | 40 GB hard drive | combo drive

From an article in the NY Times:
(Apple CEO Steve) Jobs said the package will settle long-standing complaints that Apple extracts too high a premium for its products. "This is the most affordable Mac ever," Jobs said. "People who are thinking of switching will have no more excuses."

A $500 1.25 GHz computer with a measly 256 MB of memory is going to settle pricing complaints about Apple? Um . . . how? The damn thing is slow and overpriced.

I was excited about the Mac Mini, because Apple claimed a faster version was available for $600. "That's great!" I thought. "It will probably be 1.6 or 1.8 GHz and have 512 MB of memory, and after I add more memory, it'll probably only cost me $800 or so." Oh, how naive I was.

Apparently, in the world of Steve Jobs, "faster" means 0.17 Ghz faster. Wow, a whole 1.42 GHz. And still only 256 MB of memory. Assholes.

Regardless, I checked out Apple's website to see the cost with added memory. The $600 model with 1 GB of memory - an acceptable low-end computer in my eyes - would cost $1,025. Without a display, mouse, or keyboard. Apple, why does it cost only $75 to add 256 MB of memory, but it costs $425 to add three times as much? Is your calculator working right? Because my calculator says it should cost $225. Assholes.

If I add an inexpensive (non-Apple) display to this upgraded Mac Mini, it will cost $1,400. For that price, I could get a 1.6 GHz iMac with a good amount of memory. So much for getting Windows users to switch. The Mac Mini is just as expensive as their other computers.

However, I will admit the Mac Mini is innovative. The thing is tiny. It's 6.5" x 6.5" x 2" and weighs three pounds. You can fit it in one hand. It's a computer that's smaller than a video game system. Nobody's ever really achieved that, so I give Apple props in that area. But it's still not cheap, which was the whole point of the damn thing. Windows users don't want innovation and eye candy. They want a computer with decent speed that costs less than $1,000.

iWork
A competitive alternative to Microsoft Office that is less bloated and easier to use.
$79 | "Pages" word processor | Keynote 2 presentation software

I only like part of iWork. I have no use for Keynote (a Powerpoint clone introduced last year), but I love Pages. For years, I have been searching for an alternative to Microsoft's bloating, pain-in-the-ass Office software. Apple has finally come through. Pages is identical to Word, but has more attractive templates and an easier-to-use format. You type something up, but then put it in pre-designed templates or create your own, add photos and whatever else you need, and then save it as a MS Word file, PDF, HTML page, or plain text/rtf file. I'm working on a self-published book, and I was fretting about having to learn how to convert my writing into an entire book worth of PDF files, but now I don't have to. Sweet!

But here's my complaint. You can't download a trial version of the damn thing. What am I supposed to do, drive two and a half hours to an Apple Store to try it out? No thanks. I'll just wait a few days and steal it off Limewire.

I refuse to pay $80 for something I can't test first. And with gas prices as high as they are, I'm not wasting two tanks of gas to test it. Apple doesn't offer free trials on any of their software. If they want a reason for piracy of their products, it's because there's no other way to test them out. But if that's what they want, then I'm fine with stealing it.

iMolest
Spreadsheet software that helps you track neighborhood children.
$49 | Untraceable | Preloaded with 60 Elijah Wood photos

From a review in the NY Times:
The nice thing about iMolest is it gives helpful hints. For instance, did you know that girls younger than 10 can't get pregnant, so you don't need a condom? I didn't, but I do now, and I target infants exclusively. I am thoroughly enjoying this software.

Holy crap. Oh my God, what is this? Who put this on my website? This is so gross. I don't know how to remove it. Someone please remove it.

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Reader Comments

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Eric Matt      Feb 3, 2005 • 12:18am   The mini isn't a very fast or powerful computer by todays standards. However neither are low end pc's. I work at an apple reseller and we have a dell dimension 3000 as a service machine. I tested it against the mini and the mini was right around the same speed and price. Incase you are interested in the results www.macsupportpro.com/~eric. Paul Ryan      Jan 14, 2005 • 6:25am   Um, what? In English, please. lisa      Jan 14, 2005 • 12:53am   now honestly why should i care what the megafiends put out, unless it defines my fun? and if then, i'm just no "guy" for such fun... Brandon      Jan 13, 2005 • 7:39pm   go homsar! WOoT WOot! homsar      Jan 12, 2005 • 6:43pm   iMolest, hehe. and the mac mini, while extremely innovative, sucks ass because it's ridiculosuly slow. I've got an hp with 2.08 GHz, a nice monitor, 100 gig HDD and a gig of ram for 800 bucks, and that was 18 months ago. Jojo      Jan 12, 2005 • 5:43pm   Holy shit I want that clown costume. Scapegoat      Jan 12, 2005 • 1:55pm   I wasn't digging this column until the end. Dog bless you, you evil twisted freak.

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