On Thursday I visited the eye doctor for my yearly checkup. Like usual, the doc put drops in my eyes to dilate my pupils. As most of you know, dilated pupils mean direct sunlight hurts, so you have to wear sunglasses. Yesterday I forgot to bring my sunglasses, so the doc hooked me up with these free disposable ones.
I'm getting rid of my expensive sunglasses and keeping these sweet plastic ones.
Double guns for the big shooter. Look at these badass sunglasses. With these things, I don't even need to do anything with my hair. I can just let the wind style my hair on the way to work. Beep beep, motherfucker. Let the man with the biggest shades through.
A sexy drink for a sexy man. The ladies will swoon as I drink Kool-Aid solely with my tongue, all the time wearing my adjustable sunglasses. Yeah, that's right. The sides of the sunglasses are adjustable. Remember when unfitted hats were all the rage? Unfitted sunglasses are about to go the same way. You're welcome.
Hey asswipe, I'm important. Is that another phone call for me? Just think, when sunglasses this freakin' huge were last popular, cell phones were the size of John Barrymore's liver.
Collar up, ladies' panties down. Don't I look like that friend of Biff's with the weird sunglasses in the movie, "Back to the Future"? Once again I'm giving the double guns, but this time from the side. The double guns are so important that I had to show them from both the front and the side.
I make 50 Cent look like two dimes. Don't fuck with me, reader. Just . . . don't . . . NO. Don't even think about it.
I even look cool eating a corn dog. Wanna bet I can fit this whole corn dog in my mouth? When you have the coolest sunglasses in the whole freakin' world, you are able to perform superhuman feats. Other feats I can do include turning your mother into my own personal love dumpster. Uggggh! Yeah!
High school yearbook pose! Why do my eyebrows look gray in this photo? What the hell?
Who farted near my adjustable sunglasses? Am I making an awesome hardcore tough guy face, or did I just smell your wife? It's probably a little of both. These sunglasses even look awesome resting atop your head. And since they're plastic, they fit tightly, in case you want to play kickball at recess.
Pretty boy. I figured I should probably include at least one photo that actually looks good, so people don't think I'm as ugly as Ben Stiller. If people thought that, I'd have to shoot myself in the left eyehole. Well, after I shot you, of course.
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6/5 column rating
(7 votes)
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| erin | Jan 15, 2005 • 2:22pm | | I love the picture of you with the tough guy/who farted face. Its been a while since I have visited the site...glad I did though you in those glasses can be my masturbational image for at least a month. Thanks (Sorry Paulīs mom) | | Mike | Jan 15, 2005 • 1:08am | | Gotta love the corn dog pose. You should wear those to the bar when I come down in a few weeks | | mom | Jan 14, 2005 • 9:03pm | | Paul, only you could make those silly sunglasses look fun and interesting!! | | Tony | Jan 14, 2005 • 8:20pm | | Whoa. That's my initial comment on this whole column. The last picture makes you look like Stevie Wonder. You know, when he is swaying all the time? | | Scapegoat | Jan 14, 2005 • 1:28pm | | Maybe it's just 'cos it's early and I haven't had my coffee, but I too have a strange tingling in my loins for Paul. Those shades are MAGIC! | | Katers | Jan 14, 2005 • 1:19pm | | Never take a picture of you trying to seductively slurp Kool Aid again. Please. | | santa | Jan 14, 2005 • 8:22am | | Your as cool as four fonzies biach | | ilpadrino86 | Jan 14, 2005 • 7:25am | | I used to think you were ugly. But seeing you with those shades makes me want to sleep with you. You'd need to wear the shades though. |
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