The Feldman religion

Lent has begun, and while I am too greedy and self-centered to give up luxuries, self-reflect, wake up early enough to attend church, or think about Jesus in any way other than to imagine him break dancing, I'm still going to write a column about the subject. I have a lot to say about lent, reader.

Specifically, I'd like to talk to you about a new kind of lent. Actually, it's an entirely different religion than what you believe in. If you'd just let me into your house for a moment I'd be glad to . . .

Oh, that is rude! Slamming the door in my face like that! I thought you lived in a red state!

Seriously though, I am starting a religion, complete with its own lent. Other non-Christian religions like agnosticism or buddhism are nice, but they are sans lent. My religion not only has lent, but it also has '80s movie star Corey Feldman. In fact, Feldman is our savior.

Hey, where are you going? Don't you wanna hear the rest of it? C'mon! At least listen to my explanation. Just give me five minutes, and I'll show you how serious I am. I'm not some crackpot, reader. Okay? Thank you.

So anyway, as I was saying, Corey Feldman is a lot like Jesus.

Hey! Sit down, feldamn it!

Huh? Oh, I said "Feldamn it". It's the Christianity-equivalent curse word for my religion. We don't say "goddamn it", we say "feldamn it". Yeah, I think it's cute too.

Anyway, let's compare Corey Feldman and Jesus. Jesus was forsaken by God for the betterment of mankind. Corey Feldman divorced his parents because they was stealin' his benjamins, yo. Jesus is king of all men, and Corey Feldman was king of the early 1980s box office.

Jesus' dad is God, known for creating mankind, the entire universe, and life as we know it. Corey Feldman's dad is Bob Feldman, known for writing "My Boyfriend's Back", "Hang On Sloopy", and "I Want Candy", the latter of which was recently remade into a hit single by singer Mandy Moore. In addition, Moore is religious, and often discusses her love of God. Hence, my religion has a direct connection to Christianity, making conversion to my religion a piece of cake.

Some naysayers will poo poo the connection, because it's merely a secondhand link to God through a teenage pop singer who can't write her own hit songs, but that's good enough for me, feldamn it! Ahoy, matey! I see links to Jesus o'er yonder!

Jesus and God were involved with the creation and release of The Bible, and the book is still a bestseller today. Corey Feldman released the hip-hop single "Honesty" in 1993. It was met with poor reviews. a famous quote associated with Jesus is, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by Me." A famous quote associated with Corey Feldman is, "I'm more than an actor. I'm an icon, an industry."

Corey Feldman is 5'3" tall. Jesus was 3'5" tall. Corey Feldman's middle name is Scott. Jesus' middle name is also Scott. Corey Feldman is constantly harassed by Corey Haim. Jesus is constantly harassed by Mel Gibson. Jesus suffered by being tortured and murdered on the cross. Corey Feldman suffered by being assraped by Michael Jackson.

Jesus is pure of heart, and Corey Feldman is not. But on the other hand, Jesus is a bachelor, and Corey Feldman's wife is freakin' hot.

Plus, when you join the Feldman religion, you get a free tote bag. Eternal life in heaven when I die? Meh. Free tote bag right this second? YES.

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Reader Comments

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lol      Jul 25, 2005 • 3:29pm   fowl language, Britney? as in.. talking like a chicken? David      Feb 26, 2005 • 6:22pm   well, i said probably. I'm not religious in the slightest, and it is probably true. You don't see any milk-white people coming from that area. And most historians believe life originated in Africa, where most people have black skin. I'm being open-minded. bubba      Feb 26, 2005 • 6:20pm   i love paynis. Paul Ryan      Feb 26, 2005 • 6:19pm   OMG, you did not just tell a fundie that Jesus was black! Hilarious! I can't wait to see the response.

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