A Little Bit Of Everything

It’s only 69 degrees outside, but it’s still insufferably hot in my apartment. My apartment is on the eight floor, and somehow the cool air is scientifically heated to 800 degrees once it comes inside my bedroom. I’m willing to bet that this is why the heat is an included utility.

Tuesday was deadline day at the newspaper, and deadline day is now over. It’s Wednesday night, I’m tired, and all I want to do is go get a beer. Why do I have to sit here and write this column? Why should I write for you, dear reader? Are you so important that I can’t have a beer? How selfish of you, reader.

Well, I can’t just leave you sitting here, without a column to read. I wish I could be more exciting today, but I’m still tired from watching the All-Star game’s pre-game show Tuesday night, which lasted roughly sixteen hours. The damn player introductions, national anthem and “special tributes” to what seemed like every baseball player that ever freaking lived (including shortstop Al Newman) took that long.

As the attention span of Americans gets shorter every second, baseball decides to add another few hours to their pre-game programs. No wonder everyone hates the game now.

By the way, if anyone actually knows who Al Newman is, please e-mail me and tell me your favorite “Al Newman moment”. Even if you don’t have one, just e-mail me and tell me you know who he is, so I don’t feel like a loser being the only person who knows and loves the shortstop stylings of Al Newman.

You know, I used to play baseball back in the day. I was the player every cool kid couldn’t resist beaning. My glasses were huge and gold-colored, my mesh hat always fit oddly on my big fat head, and my batting stance was so awkward-looking that kids used to call me “Nintendo”, because I looked like the baseball players on video games.

Back in those days, baseball players on video games looked awkward and ridiculous.

I actually have an old baseball card of myself (they made those back in my day, too). It’s a really embarrassing photo. I look like an absolute moron. I don’t have it in La Crosse, but next time I’m back home I’ll get it and post it on here. You won’t stop laughing for hours. Seriously.

Not to switch topics too quickly or anything (I’d hate to make you vomit from column motion sickness), but I bought a new TV the other day. The screen on my old one fades in and out now. It’s on its last legs.

I haven’t bought a TV since I was a senior in high school (which was in 1937), so I didn’t know quite what to expect. I guess I expected technology to advance enough where I could get a tremendous TV for a small price. So I went to the store in hopes of getting picture-in-picture, something that I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.

Granted, getting a TV with picture-in-picture is kind of idiotic when you don’t have cable, and your entire television options consist of four channels. But just think of how cool it would be to tell people that I can view half the channels on my TV at one time.

So I walked into Best Buy and asked the uneducated, uncaring dolt of a salesperson (believe it or not, that’s actually their official title now) to bring me a TV with my precious picture-in-picture feature.

After a few minutes of discussion, he sarcastically informed me that “it’s really not feasible to have picture-in-picture on our 13”, $60 models.”

Hey jackass, do you think it’s feasible for me to have picture-in-picture when I only have four channels, one of them PBS? No! It’s the principle of the thing. I ended up buying a 20” with a flat screen, which means it’s proportioned to be a little wider. I’ll be able to watch widescreen DVD’s better, at least.

But that’s enough for today. It’s hotter than hell in here, and I have to go to work tomorrow. You see? My life is just as boring as yours. Maybe you should write a column, too.