I Went To An Illegal Horse Pull

You heard me. An illegal horse pull. What is that, you ask? Well, it’s a small event favored by hicks, where people from all over bring their horses, to see whose horse can pull the most weight. After they see which horse is strongest, they auction off them off.

As I understand, the queing of chicken is also involved. Tasty.

Strangely enough, the illegal horse pull I attended was hosted by the local fire department. I was taking a picture of the event for my newspaper. So, to sum things up, the fire department (a government-funded service) was hosting a large gathering (without a permit), where they were preparing food (without a permit), selling the food (without a permit) and auctioning off large animals (without a permit). You’d think such an illegal activity would be a little more exciting.

Ever seen a horse pull a sled that has bricks on it? No? You’re missing out! You see, it’s really interesting, because . . . um . . . well they put the bricks on the sled, and a horse pulls it. Then they bring the sled back, and another horse pulls it. Then they put more bricks on and repeat the process. Then they repeat that about 50 times.

Okay, never mind.

What's that, reader? Why didn't I include any pictures of this event for you? Oh, come now. I wouldn't deprive you of images of such a spectacular gathering! In fact, not only do I have a picture, I have perhaps the greatest picture of all time.

Look below, and you will see a photo I took at the horse pull. This photo is of a man sleeping in a lawn chair. Seriously, if anyone knows of any photography contests out there, let me know. This picture would win in a landslide.

This guy drove onto the grass with his minivan, got out and set up a lawn chair, and then literally fell asleep the moment he sat down. There was no delay for fidgeting, or other pre-sleep rituals, like there is for most people trying to fall asleep in a lawn chair. It appeared he was a sufferer of narcolepsy.

As I stood there watching in awe, I imagined how difficult it must have been for him to drive over to the event.

Open door, get in van, sit down, pass out on steering wheel. Wake up, curse damned sleeping disorder, drive to horse pull, fall asleep immediately at what is probably coolest thing happening in life during entire month.

Wake up, find field empty and sky dark. Drive home, log on to internet, see picture of self snoring in lawn chair on damn columnist's website, add Paul Ryan to "people to murder" list.

I really don't have much more to give you from this event. The large man in the lawn chair kind of sums it up. Yes, all of it.

So there's really nothing more I can do than just end this column. There's just nothing else that would top that picture. Well, okay, there is one photo that might be able to top it. Want to see? Okay! Here goes!

It's a picture of Gary Coleman and David Hasslehoff, together. Knight Rider, Kit (the car, you moron), and Gary Coleman. If Leona Helmsley were in the picture with them, the apocalypse would instantly begin and we'd all implode into nothingness. Of course, that's only if you believe in the "big bang theory". If you're Christian, perhaps you’d be killed by an angry Jesus instead. If that ever does happen, tell him I dig the sandals.

I can't believe I just did a Leona Helmsley joke. This column is going downhill. Sigh. See you Tuesday.