I Love My Hoveround

I love my Hoveround, and so do millions of senior citizens. I can even go to the Grand Canyon in my Hoveround! And so can millions of senior citizens. You see, the Grand Canyon is obviously a big issue with wheelchair bound folks. Otherwise, why would they mention it so many times in their commercials? Television doesn’t lie, reader.

I went to their website and checked it out. Sure, I was somewhat frightened and disturbed by their descriptions of the ailments of their customers (“Hi, I’m Sergio Machado. I have a compressed spine.”), but it’s also nice knowing that the Hoveround helps all kinds of people. While I myself am not in any way in need of a wheelchair, I certainly find it comforting that if I ever need one, I’ll already have it. It’s also comforting to know that I can go to the Grand Canyon in it, because I am.

One can do many things with an unnecessary wheelchair. One can crash it down the stairs to frighten pedestrians. One can drive it in the road, like bicyclists do, bogging down traffic for miles. One can replace the motor with that of a Chevy Impala, and race young punks for cold, hard cash. Did I mention that one can also go to the Grand Canyon, powered by nothing more than this fine electric wheelchair?

I think I’ll do some custom detailing on my Hoveround. Flames on the side, “I’m not crippled, I’m faking it!” sticker on the back, a gun mounted on the front for recreational hunting; yes, this will be the finest spinal injury precaution that I ever purchase. It will also be the finest “Grand Canyon transportation machine” I have ever purchased, because I’m going there in it.

Do you want to see one of the men who helped to create this fine machine? Of course you do, reader. I’m willing to bet top dollar that he’s been to the Grand Canyon, as I will be when I get mine. I’m also willing to bet that he is ridiculed daily for his pathetically outdated hairstyle.

The picture is apparently from 1993, but it’s like looking at the pictures in a 1960s yearbook. Also, he’s quite ugly, and the sight of him causes me to be slightly nauseous. You know what isn’t ugly? The Grand Canyon. I’ll be driving there in my Hoveround.

When I get to the Grand Canyon, I hope that I will not find two old ladies in Hoverounds, raising their arms into the sky with joy, like on the commercial. Instead, I hope to find large-breasted healthcare nurses who mistake me for a man without working legs.

But there are some improvements I would like added to my Hoveround, if possible. A space for a keg on the back would be nice, as would a road map of the Grand Canyon, so I don’t get lost. I’d hate to get lost while traveling across the country in a vehicle that goes three miles per hour downhill. Also, I would enjoy a trap door for pooping.

But which Hoveround should I get? Look at the picture below to see the different models. The man on the far right seems to have a basket. I would prefer a basket, so that I may carry important personal items, like booze and titty magazines. Booze and titties, or magazines for that matter, are scarce when you’re exploring the Grand Canyon. Or at least that’s what people tell me.

Yes sir, I think I’m going to order a Hoveround off the internet right now. I’ll just see how much money it . . . SIX THOUSAND FOUR-HUNDRED AND FORTY-FIVE DOLLLARS?!? ARE YOU MAD?!? F*** the Grand Canyon.

And just because I know that by now it’s probably irking you: Grand canyon, Grand Canyon, Grand Canyon.

By the way, I’m still waiting for Al Newman moments from you readers out there. If you don’t start sending them in or making them up and sending them in, I’ll mention the Grand Canyon 17 times in tomorrow’s column. That’s once more than the total in today’s column. I’m not kidding, people. Don’t test me. Grand Canyon.