Let's Pretend I'm A 14 Year-Old Talking To A Girl On Yahoo Chat

1. Hi. Um, can I ask you a personal question? What’s the biggest wiener you’ve ever played with?

2. How old are you? You’re 14? How much do you weigh? 98 pounds, huh? What’s your bra size? 34DD? Cool!

3. Hi. Um, can I ask you a personal question? Ever taken it in the pooper?

4. If you’re a girl, why does your profile say your name is “Steven Goodspeed”?

Okay, seriously, I can’t do an entire column filled with nothing more than childish, perverted jokes. Okay, okay, so I could, but that’s not the point. The point is, I’m not going to. Now shut up and touch my wiener.

As I may have mentioned several thousand times before in this column, Tuesdays are deadline days. Today was especially exhausting, and the last thing I feel like doing is writing more. Because I was unable to write a column in advance, what I’m forcing you to suffer through is this utter garbage. Don’t blame me, though. Blame my job.

The headline of one of the articles I wrote for the newspaper this week was, “Canoe access in works for county”. Yes, I know. Would you even read through a paragraph of that article? Probably not. I sure as hell wouldn’t. And do you want to know the sad part? That was the most interesting article I got to write all week. Seriously.

By deadline day the combination of sheer boredom and pointless articles created a point in space and time where I became almost fully mentally retarded. When 7 p.m. rolled around, they found me in my office trying to swallow my own face. It’s a good thing they already knew to keep sharp things away from me.

That, and shiny things. Shiny things distract Paul.

But hey, it’s (looks around and checks clock) 11:58 p.m. and I don’t have to go to work until tomorrow afternoon. So join me for a nice vodka sour, and let’s make a go of it. We’ll try and make this work. If I fall asleep, just punch your computer until I wake up. If I still don’t wake up, try other methods, such as throwing your computer out the window or peeing on it.

A little visit from the tinkle fairy usually wakes people up.

Yes, I realize that this is a fairly short column. So sue me. I'll more than make up for it this Friday, when I unveil a new contest in where the winner gets free beer. You know I wouldn't lie about something like that, kids.