'Pardon Me! I'm In Labor!', And Other Bathroom Etiquette

Did you know that a phrase such as, "Pardon me! I'm in labor!", can get you places fast, no matter what your given sex is? It's true. Next time you're at a party, and there's a long line, try it. It works for me. I'm in the bathroom and have the door shut before any of the saps in line even realize I'm a man.

Um, I didn't mean to make that sound as if I'm womanish. I apologize if it did. No matter, though. We all know I'm the sexiest bastard this side of Fargo, North Dakota.

Yes, in the world of bathroom etiquette it is of the utmost concern to let the person who's in labor use the restroom first. Obviously, they need it more than anyone. Why make them wait, forcing the person to plop the kid out on the carpet of the hallway, when they can soften the landing by quick firing the newly-born child into the cool, soothing water of the toilet?

What? Oh, please. It's not like the kid's going to know the difference.

Anyway, there are quite a few pieces of bathroom etiquette that everyone should know. First of all, the host should make sure there's enough toilet paper in the bathroom. And for you guests: if the host is out of toilet paper, it's perfectly proper to wipe yourself on the shower curtain. While it may be uncomfortable for you, it won't be as uncomfortable as the feeling the host will get while trying to sterilize their curtains. You'll have taught them a lesson about etiquette that they'll never forget.

Now, many have probably wondered what to do when they have to use the restroom while in a large group. How does one still seem cool while saying they have to pee into a hole in the side of a building that leads underground?

Well, here's the solution. Use ultra-cool phrases that make taking a whiz seem like the trendiest thing at the party. For instance, instead of saying, "I'm going to the bathroom", say "I'm going to go cop a urination". Just remember that I thought of the phrase first, and need to be given me proper credit after each use.

Here's yet another great urination term, invented by me: "I'm going to go bust a pee". Anyone who uses that phrase will automatically be cool. Nobody wants to mess with a guy who says he's going to bust a pee. The phrase makes you tough, yet trendy.

Now, don't get too confident. Don't go trying to make up your own trendy sayings. It could end in disaster. Someone with good intentions and bad taste may say, "I'm going to go drain my humping stick", or "I'm going to go squirt out a Mountain Dew of my own". Such phrases are not only crass, but also extremely uncool.

So how do you feel? Are you ready? Are you set? Do you think you have what it takes? Then do it! Go out there and announce your trendy urination to the public! Be afraid no longer. Next time you're in an upper class setting, you won't have to hold it in like a camel, ruining whatever organ you use for copping urinations.

Be free, reader; free to pee!