Let's Pretend I'm Parenting Columnist John Rosemond

Hello, I'm conservative parenting columnist John Rosemond. My column, in which I give ridiculous advice to unwitting morons, is syndicated all over the United States. You can read my column in the La Crosse Tribune, the Pioneer Press, and over 198 other newspapers.

Today we'll be taking letters from various readers, and answering them with a complete disregard for modern laws or human rights. Our first letter comes from Valerie Buthra, of Janesville, KY. Valerie writes,

My 3 year old is getting out of control. He has two problems: 1. He is too loud. 2. He has developed a habit of name calling. Please help!

Dear Valerie,
In my vast experience in writing this column, I have heard from many parents who have had similar troubles. The answer to your problem is easy: beat the child unmercifully. Then take all his toys and break them in front of him, and tell him it's his fault. Then beat him again until he is unable to speak. I guarantee you that your household will soon be the quietest place in the neighborhood.

Let's go on to our next letter. Todd Pochek, of Richmond, CA, writes,

My wife is the breadwinner in the family, which leaves me at home taking care of our son, Joshua. I don't mind this unorthodox setup at all, but some people just can't handle it. How can I help people understand?

Dear Todd,
In my vast experience in writing this column, I have heard from many parents who have had similar troubles. The answer to your problem is easy: you need to get a job, and your wife needs to quit her job, put on an apron and do housework, like women are supposed to do. I'm John Rosemond, and my vast years of writing a parenting column have taught me that women who work an actual job are the sole cause of every problem with children today. Sure, only highly stubborn and behind-the-times fundamentalists enjoy the outdated, highly sexist advice in my column, but who cares? I'm John Rosemond, and the fact that some idiot actually gave me a column at some point in time keeps me from ever being wrong.

Ahem. So anyway, Todd, after your wife has been rightfully eradicated from her job, freedom and individual rights, begin beating your child on a regular basis. Even if the child has done nothing wrong, a savage beating every three to four hours never hurt or caused emotional problems in any child.

Let's move on to our last letter of the day, from Edna Bernstein of Esko, MN. Edna writes,

I love my grandchildren, and do my best to make sure they know it. I show them affection, bake them cookies and do everything else I can to show them they are special. Perhaps you could write a column including tips from other grandmothers on what special things they do for their grandchildren?

Dear Edna,
In my vast experience in writing this column, I have heard from many grandparents who have written similar letters. If there's one thing grandparents and parents alike can do to show they love their children, it's performing near-lethal beatings on them. Perhaps you can team up with the parents on certain nights of the week and beat the children together. Another idea: on Christmas eve, you and the parents could all hide in wrapped boxes under the tree. The next morning, when the children opened the boxes expecting gifts, you and the parents could pop out and start beating them. After making them bleed, you could stand in front of the children, burning copies of their school pictures and telling them that you hate them. They'd certainly be more polite and well-behaved after that Christmas morning.

Yes, whether children are good or bad, nothing makes them more disciplined than violence, low self-esteem and mass disappointment. Take it from me, John Rosemond. I swear, my adult children aren't in therapy as much as you'd think.