The Dominique Moceanu Discussion: Column One

This is an important column about a topic that just came up. So I'm sorry, but the tale of Republican singing cowboys will just have to come later (kind of makes you scared to read future columns, doesn't it?). Instead of conservative singing cowboys, I'd like to use this column to say that Dan Stock of Superior, Wis. is a liar. There is no way that former Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu was shopping at the Miller Hill Mall in Duluth, Minn.

Dan said that he always had a crush on her, and was going to ask her out, but she left before he could do it. Of course, if Dan had asked her out, and she had said yes, it would have been bad for Dan. Mainly because I would have had to kill him and take his place: growing and styling my hair the way Dan does, wearing the same clothes Dan does and then making out with Dominique Moceanu the way Dan would. It would have been tricky.

For research purposes, I took a look at Moceanu's website. Not only did I find out that her favorite actors are Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck, but I also found out that she's 20 years of age. Now that I know she's legal, I can finally show pictures of her on this website without being a pervert. So here, for the boys, is a barrage of Dominique Moceanu pictures. Enjoy.

Yeah!

Good God!

She's hot!

Um . . . question for you, Dominique: are all these friends of yours gymnasts? If so, I'd like them to perform at my next birthday party. Except for the one in the middle. She's a little fugly. But hey, call me.

Oh, stop complaining. It was a joke.

This just in: while you were ogling pictures of Dominique Moceanu (you pervert), I was Googling her (sounds worse than it actually is). In my search engine research, I've found that she was in fact scheduled for a gymnastics camp in Cable, Wis., which is about an hour and a half from Duluth.

I'm sorry, Dan. I was wrong, and I just feel awful about it. She probably was shopping at the crappy mall where you work. So to make up for things, I'm going to help you, Dan. I'm going to get you a date with Dominique Moceanu. I at least owe you that much. She keeps a diary on her website, which means that her and I have something in common. How could she not help out a fellow columnist? Consider the e-mail sent. I'll give updates in future columns about Moceanu's response (if any).

While searching Moceanu's site, I also found something spectacular. There's a section of her site where she posts pictures and art that people have drawn of her. I've taken a look at some of these pictures, and personally, I think I could do better. Actually, there's only two items in the category, and they're both just photos of one of Moceanu's public appearances that were taken and sent in by some pervert named John. I think I can outdo a pervert named John.

So here's the deal: I'll use Photoshop 7, Painter 7 and all the other graphics programs on my computer to create three different "drawings" of Moceanu. Tomorrow, you will all get to vote on which one I send to her.

Naturally, at least one of the pictures will be horribly offensive. You didn't think I'd let you down in that category, did you?

Point of interest: I just sent one of the "tell a friend" messages from Moceanu's site to my dad's e-mail address. He'll hate me forever if his co-workers see that in his inbox.

Well, it's time to end this column. I have a lot of work to do before tomorrow, so wish me luck.