Thank you for purchasing 'Lil Charlie's Cult Creation Kit'

Note: This is day five of "guest column week" at Daily Ramblings. Paul is busy trying to make his computer print counterfeit money, so he can buy a mansion in Los Angeles and begin each evening by snorting an "L" off Mariah Carey's tit. Today's column is by Ian Talty, the comedic genius who teamed up with Paul during high school to create offensive humor articles that nearly got both of them suspended . . . multiple times.

Congratulations on purchasing a "Lil' Charlie's Cult Creation Kit!" You have taken the first step towards gathering together a group of feeble-minded people to do your bidding. Using this easy to follow, step by step list and the contents of the "Happy Fun Crate" you will soon be sipping Kool-Aid with the best of them.

Step 1: Clear your calendar for the next 7 to 10 days. You're going to need some time to yourself for thought, reflection, and totally losing your mind.

Step 2: Carefully open Bag 1A and pour a small pile of the enclosed white powder (crystal methamphetamine, hereforth referred to as "Vision Dust") onto Mirror 2A. Using the enclosed razor and straw, first divide the Vision Dust into several lines and then hoover up said lines.

Step 3: Repeat for 5 to 7 days. Remember Charlie's Third Tip of Cult Leadership: Sleep is for the weak! After 5 to 7 days, come back to this sheet for the next step.

Step 4: Isn't it amazing how much you can get done while those lazy, weak people waste their time sleeping? I'll bet your home or apartment is spick and span, and that you've got ALL sorts of amazing plans for your cult painstakingly planned out to the last detail. Don't fall asleep now! It's time to go all the way and take that final step towards cult leadership. Put the enclosed compact disc into your CD player and select the "Continuous Loop" play option on your stereo. This CD is The Beatles chart topping White Album spliced with audio of Australian Rugby players engaged in rough bondage sex while slaughtering baby harp seals with chainsaws. Now open bag 1B and put one of the strips of enclosed d-lysergic acid diethylamide coated paper in your mouth. Hold it there for about 20 minutes, and then swallow it. Oh, and be sure to find a nice comfortable chair that you'll want to sit in for a day or two. When you come down, and are able to comprehend the human English language again, read the next step. Remember: You ARE the Lizard Queen!

Step 5: Wow, wasn't that something? Remember how you were God, the universe, and everything? Remember when you actually WERE that woman in Belize giving birth while simultaneously conversing with the Insect Overlords of Brglserf-9? Remember being the Atlantic Ocean, and every fish, and every parasite that lives on every fish? Do you see how, right now, that chair is floating? Hold onto all of that. You'll need it later.

Step 6: Use the remaining contents of Bag 1A to stay up for another day so you can fully reflect on your newfound demi-godhood.

Step 7: It's time to find some followers to share your amazing new ideas with! You'll want to find the most gullible, vulnerable people possible. We'd suggest people like the ones who work in our office; they believe that Bush was actually elected President, that the U.S. was totally justified in invading Iraq, and that bombing innocent people into bloody shreds counts as "liberating" them. I'd imagine that the occupants of any corporate cubefarm would do. Try to find people who are in a moment of crisis, as they will be more vulnerable. Anyone who has recently suffered a death in the family, is in a crumbling marriage, or has had a recent loss of faith in their favorite religion is a prime candidate. Remember, sometimes it helps to "push" these circumstances (especially deaths in the family) into action yourself ... be creative. It's OK, you're a God now!

Step 8: Enlighten your flock. Break out the rest of the chemicals provided in the Happy Fun Crate (re-supplies can be ordered from the address at the bottom of this form) and go crazy.

Step 9: Once you have your following gathered and enlightened, it's time for the big move! City and suburban neighbors and law enforcement are likely to notice and frown upon late night orgies around bonfires, ritual crucifixions, and 3 AM pipebomb tests. Find a nice little plot of land in the country and settle in.

Step 10: Take a few months to enjoy your cult. Don't forget a few essential tips:

• You are the supreme leader. Without your guidance, your flock would still be part of the mindless masses; they owe you their lives.
• No baby born to any of the women in your cult will be blessed unless you are the father. Go forth and be fruitful! Many times! Woo!
• They are out to get you and your cult. All the time. Be on the lookout!

Step 11: After 6 to 12 months, it's time to enact The Final Plan. Lil' Charlie's Cult Co. does not endorse any particular Final Plan, but offers the following as suggestions for you to build on:

• Mass Suicide
• Mass Murder
• Immigration to the moon in a homemade spacecraft
• Overthrowing the government
• Assassination of major political, religious, or celebrity figures
• Any mix of the previous, or add your own twist. Remember, you're a God!

Friday Ian Talty drink special. From Mr. Talty, himself: "This is called a 'Cum Shot':

2 oz. Bailey's Irish Cream
2 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Coconut Liqueur
1 scoop of Vanilla Ice Cream

Blend and serve in a cocktail glass. Enjoy your mouth full of cum, you filthy bastard."

..... Comment to Paul about this column.....