This Holiday Season, Buy Me A Car

Surely you've heard, haven't you? It's a tradition in America to get gifts for the community newspaper reporter. Honest. People have been doing it in Minnesota for years.

You don't want to be less trendy than the rest of Minnesota, do you?

I'm not asking for much. Just a fine and stylish automobile to get me around town. The car I have right now isn't very good. In the last few months, I've spent $2,000 on repairs, and I think it's time I got a new one.

Think of how much better I could cover the events in the county if you were to donate a Ferrari 360 Spider. With massive horsepower and a top speed of 180 mph, I could drive from one end of the county to the other in no time. I could probably cover the entire state.

Think of the value!

I know what you're thinking. You think it might be a little irresponsible to spend $170,779 on someone you only know through his writing in the newspaper, especially in a year like this one. Well, I have a solution for those who are a little strapped for money.

It's a little-known fact that if you opt to put a tape deck in the car, instead of a CD player, you'll save quite a bit of money on your automobile purchase.

I have some old "Foghat" and "Huey Lewis and the News" cassettes that would sound great in a new Ferrari.

Shhh. Don't tell anyone. That will be our little secret.

So what would you, the giver, get out of all this? Would you get a tax write-off, or reimbursement from the Minnesota Newspaper Association?

This is the part where things get a little shaky.

I doubt you could write it off on your taxes, and I'm pretty sure the MNA would wreak vengeance on both of us for the so-called "bribery" involved with giving a reporter a new car.

But what is a car, really? It's just a bunch of plastic and metal. If you were completing a home improvement project, and you gave me some plastic and metal left over from the project, that wouldn't be wrong, would it? Exactly.

But what about those of you who don't celebrate Christmas? Well, I'm an open-minded person who is supportive of all forms of faith. I will gladly accept Ferraris for Chanukah, Kwanza, or any other holiday you celebrate.

So open your hearts this season. It's a season for giving, and I'd be proud to play a role in that.

Paul Ryan is an honest reporter, and does not really want you to buy him a car. He would like a hug, though. Hugs are fun for everybody.

(Want to see what the column actually looked like when printed in the newspaper? Click here.)

Comment to Paul about this column