Resolutions For A Perfect Man

But it's New Year's, and even perfect people like me make resolutions. Why? Because like most of you, I take pride in not completing any of them.

I write my resolutions down on a piece of paper, and laugh at them a year later, when I realize how utterly idiotic they were.

For instance, here's one of my resolutions from last year. "Publish a poem."

I write poetry? I must have gone through some sort of weird phase at this time last year. It's really kind of creepy, if you think about it.

Here's another resolution from last year. "Pay off my debt."

There are two things I found out this year. Number one is paying off debt is really hard. Number two is it would be a lot better if somebody else would pay off my debt, so I wouldn't have to.

But let's get away from last year's resolutions. I need to focus on the future. Here's some resolutions I thought up for this year.

1. I will change the awful picture of me I use for these columns.

It's embarrassing when your own mother makes fun of you for your column picture. If I have any imperfections, it's that I was caught off guard by my editor, Tom van der Linden, during my first week at this newspaper. The picture you see accompanying this column was taken when my guard was down. I thought it was fine, until my mom made fun of me. Thanks, mom.

2. I will not act like a wartime medic on New Year's Eve, carrying my friends home.

Being a designated driver is an honorable profession on New Year's Eve. But if my friends are in need of being carried, like they were last year, I'm going to tie them to the bumper and drag them home.

3. I will not get any speeding tickets this year.

This resolution will not happen. Trust me.

I believe people need to set reasonable goals for themselves as well as tough goals, so here’s some easy resolutions that will be easier for me to accomplish.

4. I will not die this year.

This may seem like an odd resolution to make, but I haven't died once in my 23 years of life, so I figure this is a safe bet.

5. I will get a job as a newspaper reporter.

I have already completed this resolution. I rule.

6. I will write an article about people in La Crescent who play bingo.

Do you think I'm lying? Well, think again. The article will be published sometime in the next few weeks. That is, unless I break resolution number four.

Have a good holiday. I'll see you all next year.

(Want to see what the column actually looked like when printed in the newspaper? Click here.)

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